iPad: the Maturity Test

So, is it me or is there a new guy naming products over at Apple these days?

The greatest computing invention of the decade, although it is only January, and they name it "iPad." Seriously? Come on, we're all thinking the same stupid jokes and laughing inanely:

Does iPad come with wings?

Is there an Overnight iPad for those really heavy workload days?

Do you prefer scented or unscented iPads?

I can speak like an adult about iPod, iPhone and even iChat. But I can never, ever own an iPad, because I would not be able to say the name without snickering like Beevis and Butthead. "Heh heh, you said PAD!"

If you haven't stooped to any feminine product jokes about the iPad, congratulations: you are officially a grownup. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a headache and some cramps -- gotta send hubs to the store to pick up some iPads and chocolate...

Speaking of feminine products, let me share with you today's life lesson:

Do not, DO NOT wear a maxi with wings on a five-mile tempo run. EPIC CHAFING. And I'm so self-aware that I didn't realize it until I entered the shower and felt like someone poured acid on my bikini line. Yeeouch!

On the plus side, I can run five miles, and that's not even my long run for this week. Proud!

The first half is the hardest

Now that I'm officially training for the OneAmerica 500 Festival Marathon -- which happens in 106 days, holy cow! -- I keep remembering my very first half marathon.

In late 2007, I decided to get a little more serious about running and in a late-night, popcorn-fueled, missing-my-husband frenzy, I signed up for the inaugural Marine Corps Historic Half. This was quite ambitious, since my distance record at this point was once, just once, running six miles.

I flew to Virginia and stayed with a very nice NRP in my life, Shelby. She went with me to the expo on Saturday, and the actual race was on Sunday. I had never even watched a half marathon, much less been to an expo. It was so overwhelming! I was surrounded by Marines and other uber-fit types who were chatting merrily about how they ran 38 miles last weekend just for fun, and they were all laughing about this T-shirt that said:

Toenails are for Sissies

(Which I totally did not understand.)

So, I'm dragging Shelby around this expo, looking at all the Fabulous Fit people and comparing them to my own short, stubby self, and it happens.

First, my hands started shaking, to the point I couldn't pick up a cute necklace that had a 13.1 charm on it. "Huh, would you look at this?" I said to Shelby, holding out my quivering hands. "Are you freaking out?" she replied. "No, I feel pretty calm." And I did FEEL calm in my head, but my body was launching into full fight-or-flight mode.

Second, I announced that it was so stinking HOT in the convention center and took off the very light jacket I had worn. Shelby said, "What is up with you?" and I realized I had sweated through my shirt. I wiped my forehead -- dripping like I had been sprinting.

Shelby wisely announced, "I'm getting you out of here." Whereupon she took me directly to the nearest restaurant and demanded to know, at 11:30am, if the bar was open.

Two margaritas and one of these:
...and I was feeling much, much better. Not the wisest choice of food and drink on the day before a half marathon, but I swear it was purely medicinal.

After my mini panic attack on Saturday, I was eerily calm on Sunday for the half marathon. My time was nothing amazing. If you, dear reader, ever run this race, DO NOT BE FOOLED by the elevation map. Rolling hills throughout and a brutal set of uphills at the end slowed everyone down. When I crossed the finish and a Marine gave me my medal, I almost cried... Though I'm not sure if I was happy to get the medal or just so glad the torturefest was over.

After the race, I only had time to take a shower before I hobbled onto my flight home. After resisting the temptation to request a wheelchair at my destination airport, I still had to drive an hour to get home. Once I arrived, I called my husband from the car to come out and help me, because I was too stiff to even get out of the car unassisted.

Fast forward to today: I've run a total of 5 half marathons. I know what "negative splits" means. I get that T-shirt slogan now. In November, I went dancing after completing a half.

And, I save the adult beverages for after the race.

So THAT'S what "freezing fog" means

This past weekend, my running buddy C (she's awesome!) and I decided to run 3 miles outside on Saturday morning. We have an 8 miler coming up in late February, so we had better get used to the cold.

Saturday morning, the plan was to meet at the park at 8:30am. The weather forecast said 32 degrees and a "chance of freezing fog." What the heck is that? As usual, I ignored it and went on my merry way.

Clue #1: Arriving in the parking lot, I managed to do a 180 just turning into a parking spot. It shocked me - the lot looked wet, so why am I sliding around? Undaunted, I sit in my car pulling on gloves, ear band, etc.

Clue #2: C arrives while I'm still in my vehicle, steps out of her car, and immediately wipes out. She fell so fast it was like she disappeared. Splat!

Apparently, "freezing fog" means that everything was covered in this invisible coat of smooth, slippery ice. We skated over to the trail to check it out, but no luck - the paved trail was an ice rink. Then we hobbled out to the sidewalk, thinking that would be better.

Nope.

After kidding ourselves (and almost breaking a few bones) for a block, we gave up and left. This story does have a happy ending, though; we came back the next afternoon and did our long run -- six miles, ta-da! -- on the same trail, just running the loop twice.

Take that, freezing fog! Thirteen miles this week, not counting elliptical workouts and the general chasing-after-the-kids exercise. So far I've managed to stick to my Runner's World program, but don't get too excited. This was Week One.

Back off, NRPs!

Do you have people in your house who don't run? I do. And good grief, my live-in Non-Running Person (NRP) never misses a chance to say something negative about running or get in my way when I'm getting ready to run. Or both. Even worse, this life-long NRP will offer advice. That would be like me calling up the next space shuttle crew and telling them how to get the shuttle doohickey properly hooked up to the space station whatsit.

NRP lurks nearby when I'm getting gear together and editorializes the process:

"You're going to freeze out there."

"Don't you need water?"

"Where is your phone?"

"You're running ALONE?" [I always run alone, maybe because I like the QUIET!!!]

"Explain to me again why you're doing this?"

And, my personal favorite: "You're wearing THAT?!?"

This rachets up to a new level when official events, such as half marathons, are involved. My resident NRP will snipe in the months leading up to the race about the cost, about how early I have to get up, about whether I'm prepared (from a person who hasn't run a step in, as far as I can tell, EVER).

On days like today, I'm one snide comment away from confrontation. But, then I remember that my NRP just doesn't get it, and never will.

For now, I'll just go for a run!

Training countdown; or, What have I gotten myself into?

Deep breath...

The OneAmerica 500 Festival Mini Marathon happens on May 8th this year. That's about 120 days. And when you currently have about 5 miles as your base, that's too freakin' soon!

Locals call this race the Indy Mini. The coolest part is that 2.5 miles of the course are actually a lap around the Indianapolis Speedway. I and 35,000 of my closest friends will run around the Speedway about halfway through our 13.1 miles. Last year was my first Indy Mini. It took so long for my slowpoke stall to cross the START line that the winner - who finished in about an hour, and I'm sure he was so smug about it - was almost done by the time my chip activated.

I took a self-portrait while on the Speedway part of the run last year. Note the scrawny chick behind me mugging for the photo:

My 13yo ran her first Indy Mini last year as well. She tripped in mile one, ran the rest of the way with blood dripping down one leg and one arm, and still set a PR. Momma is proud! (Good thing she runs faster than I do, or there would have been a brawl in mile 1 when someone tripped my baby.) She always, ALWAYS has this epic sprint at the end of her runs, whether it's a cross country 5K or a half marathon. Spectators go nuts when she pulls her Speedy Gonzalez routine at the end of a half. It is really something to see!

Not to be outdone, I also set a PR at last year's Indy Mini with - go ahead and laugh - 2h 57m. Hey, not bad for a chub who loves me some donuts!

Now, I'm trying to decide this year's goal: do I play it safe and say "anything faster than 2:57:00?" Or, do I challenge myself? Is 2:45 a realistic goal? Only time and the miles will tell. I'm considering using a Runner's World training program this time around. My training is usually something along the lines of Whatever I Feel Like Doing Today, so this could be interesting.

My official training starts Jan 16th. Stay tuned...

Meanwhile, the Penguin - John Bingham - has quit writing his Runner's World column. Sometimes I felt like he was the only other slow runner out there who understood me. We'll miss you, John; waddle on!

My 2009, in a nutshell, courtesy of All & Sundry. She doesn't know me but I love reading her blog! If you decide to blog your own answers to these questions, leave her link and she'll wonder who we all are.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? Some rather physical milestones this year for me, the woman least likely to be picked out of a lineup as an athletic type. I ran in the Indy OneAmerica Mini Marathon and set a personal best for the half marathon. This was my third half marathon and my teenager ran it with me. Well, she actually ran ahead of me. Also this year, I entered a martial arts sparring tournament and managed not to faint. More on that in #8, below…
Last but certainly not least, this year we celebrated our 18^th year of wedded bliss. Can you believe that? In a few years I will have been married for half of my life! Wouldn’t trade it – or him! – for anything.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolution, and will you make more for next year? I don’t make new year’s resolutions. Never have understood that. And all those resolution folks are in my way at the gym for the first six weeks of the new year before they all give up.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No. I’m getting long enough in the tooth that everyone close to me has already had their children or they are struggling with infertility, which is heartbreaking.

4. Did anyone close to you die? My poor husband has dealt with a lot; his mom’s side of the family is now all gone except for him and his sister.

5. What countries did you visit? Just the good old You Ess of Ay.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? Better focus on both the work and home fronts. My tendency to procrastinate created a very stressful 2009.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? July 20 – the day my healthy-as-a-horse mom fell on a sidewalk and shattered her kneecap. I still become enraged thinking of the two ladies who walked right past her while she lay there, crying and begging for help. Surgery, pain, pills and rehab for Mom; sleepless nights and round-the-clock nursing shifts for me. Hubs and the kids really stepped up and were a huge help, and the folks from church and the community rallied around us. The positive side of this is that we all pulled together to get through it.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Our instructor entered us in a tae kwon do tournament. Now, I make presentations all the time and speeches are a piece of cake, but the prospect of performing my form ALONE in front of a panel of judges, followed by a single-elimination sparring tournament, had me seeing spots. Right before we started, I couldn’t decide if I was going to faint or barf. Somehow, I held it together and finished with a first place for forms and a first place in sparring. The best part was completing the last match, which was with a good friend so we were really going at it, and seeing the shocked look on hubs’ face. Guess he had no idea I can now execute a crescent kick to the head. Having spent my childhood – and most of my adult years – with my nose in a book, I am so darn proud of those two medals!

9. What was your biggest failure? Work. I have people in a small firm counting on me and I took procrastination to a whole new level. Only God knows why these guys keep me around.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I rolled my ankle in a 5K fun run, which was supposed to be the kickoff of my training for a fall half marathon. The result was a high ankle sprain complete with a torn ligament, which put a halt to all running for months. Immediate weight gain ensued.

11. What was the best thing you bought? A new car big enough for us all to ride in comfort: a Hyundai Veracruz. If you’re laughing, you’ve never ridden in one of these vehicles and you are probably a snob.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? In the public eye? Sully, the pilot who landed a plan full on passengers on the Hudson. That was amazing!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Balloon Boy’s family. Dear God.

14. Where did most of your money go? Upkeep on the new-ish house and the purchase of the aforementioned car.

15. What did you get really excited about? Taking the family to Disney World. What can I say, it’s the happiest place on earth!

16. What song will always remind you of 2009? “Forever,” thanks to the wedding video that would not die.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
- happier or sadder? Sadder, I think. 2009 wore me out.
- thinner or fatter? A little fatter, but working on it.
- richer or poorer? About the same.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Spent more time hanging out with my kids and husband.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Work-related travel.

20. How did you spend Christmas? At home, cooking for 11 friends and family who all cleaned up after themselves. It was fantastic!

21. Did you fall in love in 2009? Nope, still in love with the same macho, macho man after 18 years of wedded bliss.

22. What was your favorite TV program? My guilty pleasure – The Biggest Loser. That Tracy chick was nuts, and I totally knew that Danny would win.

23. Do you hate anyone that you didn’t hate this time last year? Nope. I find it hard to hate anyone, it takes a lot of time and energy. Shunning works much better for me. That said, I’m pretty sure I hate my friend R’s ex-husband, but I would need a separate blog for all the crap that man has rained down on the heads of R and her beautiful children.

24. What was the best book you read? Hard to say, since I’m a compulsive reader and read hundreds of books in a year. I did manage to read all of the Twilight books at my teen’s insistence. Am I the only one who thinks Bella was a wimp? Sharpen a stake, honey – get in there and HELP, for crying out loud.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Sadly, nothing comes to mind.

26. What did you want and get? A Kindle! YES!

27. What did you want and not get? Happily, nothing comes to mind.

28. What was your favorite film this year? Avatar in 3D. Blew. My. Mind.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 40 this year.Hubs recently retired from the military and was finally home – for the first time ever – for my birthday. My dear friend R organized a surprise birthday dinner with a bunch of our friends, complete with black balloons and Over the Hill decorations.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? More time with hubs and kids – work took a front seat for me this year, but it felt like it was happening against my will. And Mom's injury sent me into a tailspin in terms of keeping anything on track. Definitely need to work on balance.

31. How would you describe your personal concept in 2009? I have no idea what this means. My motto this year was probably “hang on one more day.” It worked.

32. What kept you sane? Church, prayer, my children and my pal, R. You’re the best!

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Susan Boyle on Britain’s Got Talent.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? The insanity over healthcare.

35. Who did you miss? My sister-in-law, Pam.

36. Who was the best new person you met? A guy at work, we’ll call him Z, who has the same snarky sense of humor.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. It is possible to survive on 1 hour of sleep per night, in an armchair, for three weeks straight. In a related epiphany, I’m not a nice person when I’m sleep deprived.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. “All work and no play/Makes Jack a dull boy/But all work no God/Has left Jack with a lost soul” –Casting Crowns