Dear Bella, Sharpen a Stake and Help Out!

The Twilight saga of forbidden teenage vampire werewolf psycho love has descended on my home with no relief in sight. My teenage daughter, Hank, is crazy for Twilight. Thankfully she is Team Jacob, which means we spend more time looking at this:

and less time looking at this:

(Clearly this vampire's inability to eat cheeseburgers and drink milkshakes has negatively impacted his physique. Someone get this kid a donut!)

Scrawny, glittery vamps aside, here's why the Twilight series (all of the books and, so far, all of the movies -- I'm an equal opportunity hater here) really makes me nuts: Bella.

This girl is the worst romantic heroine EVER. At any given moment, Bella is:

Afraid of vampires.

Afraid of werewolves.

Afraid of getting older.

Fainting with fear.

Sick with fear.

Screaming in fear WHEN SHE IS SLEEPING.

Are we seeing a theme yet? Oh, and one time she isn't really afraid but she sits and stares out her window despondently for six freakin' months.

She doesn't fight back. Doesn't stand firm. Just runs around afraid until someone else saves her from the bad guy, bad gal or, just as likely, from her own stupid self.

The scene that really chaps me is the first werewolf fight, where she makes one wolf mad and another wolf (Jacob) comes to her rescue. The wolves fight while Bella cringes in the background, watching (fearfully, of course). That garage where she spent so much time with Jacob and those stupid motorcycles is RIGHT THERE. Instead of sitting on her behind watching Jacob take on the big bad wolf to protect her, she had plenty of time to go grab a wrench or crowbar so she could wade into that fight and take a few swings herself.

I spend an inordinate amount of time teaching Hank and her younger sister, Abner, about standing up for themselves and being strong. We've been studying martial arts for almost 3 years and these girls are that close to a black belt. They are confidant young ladies (without being brats, there is a difference!) and know their own worth. They're glorious, strong young women and then we show them the "it" story of the year:

Bella The Fearful.

Yeesh.

P.S. I remember taking Hank and Abner to see the movie "Shark Boy and Lava Girl" years ago. That Jacob hunk was the kid who played Shark Boy. I'm pretty sure that my admiration of Jacob's bare chest makes me a dirty old lady.